I’m a deeply heartfelt, sensitive, and touchy-feely kind of girl. I have been a nanny since the day my first child was born, always raising other people’s children. It just seemed like the best way to make money and stay home with my kids. They became adults too soon in my opinion. But I fell in love with every child I ever had an opportunity help raise.

Then, about twenty years ago, I became a nanny for my girlfriend, helping her raise her two children. Watching them grow up along with my grandchildren brought me so much joy. I call all the babies I raised my children. I was the typical nanny, with good, bad, and ugly moments. I’m sure there were times when I was distracted and not as attentive as I should have been.

When our children grow up to be adults, what we expect them to become isn’t always what happens. I read a note from one of my children that broke my heart. They talked about their struggles with wanting to commit suicide. It’s not easy to hear that your precious child has become suicidal. But they did, and I’m in a bad place right now, knowing that there is a hurting soul and there is little I can do to change how they feel.

According to Durkheim, out of all the reasons people commit suicide, there are two that I think fit perfectly in this situation.

Social Integration: Durkheim argued that one of the primary factors influencing suicide is the level of social integration an individual experiences. Social integration refers to the extent to which individuals are connected to and involved in their society.

Social Regulation: Durkheim also emphasized the importance of social regulation, or the degree to which a society imposes rules and constraints on individuals. Anomie, which refers to a state of normlessness or moral confusion, is associated with high levels of suicide, particularly anomic suicide.

Regardless of the categories of why people want to take their own lives, the idea that life is no longer precious enough to want to keep experiencing it is deeply painful for me to comprehend.

Everything in me just wants to hold my baby/adult and never let them go. I want to be in their presence, loving them, and reassuring them that their life is worth more to me than anything in this world. Not knowing that they are here would cause so much pain. But that’s selfish because it’s all about what I want and how I feel. Suicide is not the answer; it is a reaction to circumstances that are out of your control it seem. When you’re young you may not have the control of your life that you desire. As adults we don’t always get it right. We mess up but that’s normal. Suicide is also a norm in our society.

I feel like I’m rambling on because I just wanted to express my feelings today and leave all the other bullshit aside. Today is just a rough day because one my children is fighting to live, and that is breaking my heart.